Post Baby - The Truth

Let me give it to you straight.

You get ugly. 

Seriously!  I have permanent bug eyes from lack of sleep and a ton more wrinkles from frowning whilst trying to work out what the tiny human is trying to tell me.

You get fat. 

But not how you think.  I was back to normal in 4 weeks.  HOWEVER, I then sat on the lounge for the following 4 months and ate 2 minute noodles and watched reality TV.  (Heaven).

You get mean. 

I dead-armed a 10 year old kid on a scooter and yelled "WATCH IT YOU F*CKING DEADSHIT" because he got too close to the baby.  (So you also get bogan, or bogan-er)

You get wild.  

I already had a headstart on this one, but when organisation for a night out rivals that of a international music festival, you better believe that you are going to make that shit count. 

Actual bruise my mate got on our last night out

You get drunk(er)

My first drink of the day kept creeping forward and when it got to midday I knew it was time to go back to work.


You cease giving a shit about house stuff.

Why yes, that is vomit on the Missoni throw rug.
Don't you think garbage bins look better on the kitchen bench!
Please sit down, um, let me just move the, um, um, um.  Let's stand!


Please don't take this ridiculous blog seriously.  Please no mothers group hate-mail!

Reason #566 why I love America

This bucket of SIX coronas was $9

Hang on - exchange rate, 25% tip, extra tip because I'm drunk and happy, extra tip because she was nice to the baby, kebab on way home, dry cleaning from spilling kebab, bandaids from pharmacy (obvs had to leave car and walk), ooooh look at the cheap makeup in this pharmacy - OPI $8, half price Kerastase.

OK so the bucket of coronas was $127.

Baby meets Ozzy Osbourne and Santa

Baby meets Ozzy....


Baby meets Santa.....


Yep, definitely my son.

Completely comfortable with the Prince of Darkness who is responsible for penning such songs as Electric Funeral, Into the Void  and Hand of Doom.  Numerous arrests, biting living creatures, thumping Sharon, rehab and so on.

But Santa?  No thank you!

My Baby has the Life of a 47 year old Bachelor

My babysitters were lovely.  I miss them

I love Vegas. Mum and Dad are funny and spill stuff

I come for the burgers honestly.

A guy in this band was named after me.

Mum says we are moving here

 

I think these guys were the cleaners or something. They were nice enough.

Rodeo Drive is overrated.  No hot girls, strip joints or booze.

Punch in the Face List - UPDATE #2

3 Years is a long time to stay mad at someone, which is why it's a good time to revise the Punch in the Face List and subsequent updates.

SPENCER PRATT.  Remains on the list
UGH, Spencer Pratt is the worst..  He could be rescuing kittens, whilst cooking for the homeless with his one good kidney (the other was donated) and he'd still make the list. 

GWYNETH PALTROW.  Remains on the list. 
Is 'conscious uncoupling' the worst phrase ever uttered?  Apart from 'last drinks' and 'no, those scales aren't broken'

ELLE MCPHERSON.  Released on good behaviour.
She doesn't really bother anyone these days does she?  I mean she's a freak of nature to look like that at her age, but that is a reason to love her, not hate her.  Go Elle.  Apologies for the unnecessary upset caused to you and your family for your previous inclusion.

SCOTT DISICK.  Should never have been on the list.
Scott is basically the Rubin 'Hurricane' Carter of the list.  He should never have been jailed and Bob Dylan should write a song about him.

CAMILLE GRAMMAR & TAYLOR MOMSON.  Released into witness protection.
It's hard for someone to annoy you when they are no longer relevant.  Which contradicts the whole Pratt argument, but oh well my blog, my rules.
The new inductees are:


Jax Taylor. 
Now, who wouldn't love to wipe the smug look off his face.  Mean, manipulative moron.  The fact that Kristen Doute doesn't make it on this list, but Jax does speaks a whole library of volumes.

 Kayne West
I'd love to have seen if he would've been so brave if the grammy went to someone big and scary like Chris Jericho. Or Susan Boyle.

POSITION VACANT - Watch yourself Hollywood. 

 Again, let me reiterate I would never really punch any of these people.  Maybe Kanye, but just in the shoulder.  Gently.  Like a noogie.

Lost in translation

This is something that my gorgeous and very stylish friend Dionne and I always laugh about. 

Why dont holiday purchases of the sartorial kind ever translate?  Why is it as soon as they touch down on home soil they become the most ridiculous thing imagineable?

(You can't tell me the purchases from your first trip to Asia weren't a complete write off as soon as you hit Kingsford Smith).

Dionne and I have travelled together a lot and have spent many hours trying to convince each other that -  

'Of course that short sheer cheesecloth kaftan with large fish motif from Positano would be fabulous on the beach at home' 

and 

'My God, imagine how amazing you will be at Newcastle races with this royal blue turban with a giant bow from Venice' 

and the thing is we mean it at the time. 

But get it out of it's natural habitat and it transforms into something completely different. 

(Side note- the only thing I've bought home from Italy and kept is 8 kilos)

So having said all that, I'm about to share my worst ever. Kaftan purchased in Morocco and worn in Croatia. Behold:

In my defence I did have sandals on and had to change into converse when a hike was sprung upon me. 

What's 3 years between friends?

Oh come on, don't be so judgey. A 3 year hiatus is nothing. The important thing is that I'm back now. Here is a list of things that has changed since we last spoke.

I.had.a.baby.

A real live small human. Having the baby and continuing to possess said baby is easy. Trying to dress yourself with a small country hanging from your midsection is not. More on this later.

My love affair with Kim K is OVAH. Blame the catwoman plastic surgery, blame the entitlement, blame Kayne West, blame it on the boogie. I don't know, but it's like I don't even know her anymore. 


I purchased at least another 40 items in leopard print. Highlights include

Clockwise from left:
 Converse Sneakers, Nookie Bikini, Mink Pink Jumpsuit, Peter Alexander Overnight bag, Witchery Dress, Windsor Smith Heels, Beach Bash Shorts

I cannot explain it, it's bigger than me.