Punch in the face list: Update

After extensive research (ie a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Marathon), there has been a shift in the list.

Camille "Girls hate me because Im pretty" Grammar now replaces Scott Disick in the Punch in the Face List.

I've been auditioning for Scott's replacement for a while, as he is rather witty and likeable in the 17 Kardashian related programs I'm currently watching and Camille just happened to be in the right place at the right time. 

Welcome Camille, you are in stellar company.

* Again, I would like to reiterate that this is hypothetical only and Camille's safety is not in immediate danger.

Makes Sense

This girl won America's Next Top Model.

This girl didn't.

*Sigh*

She's baaccck

Ok let's just ignore the fact that I've been completely AWOL for the past month or so.  Here is a list of things that have happened in my life since my absence:

I bought these..... I can't explain it, it's like a drug.

I got a spray tan and left a band aid on.  Deal with that.

I let husband come shopping with me, then put him on an actual bus when I got sick of comments such as "You've already got one like that" and "How much???"

My good friend in New York who is lovely enough to buy things on my behalf in the states decided to stop being an enabler and refused to get the Steven Madden leopard print booties I found ON SALE even though I begged and cried and threatened to stop supplying her with Lucas Paw Paw ointment. 

Husband and I went to a 'Famous People' themed party as Pamela Anderson and Con the Fruiterer.   Because they are a natural pairing.

Sorry ladies, he's taken.

Tyra Says...

Tyra Banks is ridiculous and to prove my point, here is a picture of the person she calls 'the most influencial person in fashion'.

That is all.

The Fashion Industry has a Sense of Humour #2

Behold.... the second most expensive handbag in the world....

TA-DA!



Louis Vuitton Urban Satchel



If this was worth $150,000 USD in 2008, I'm going to get the floor of my car valued, as it is almost an exact replica. 

Jersey, Essex and ..... Newcastle?

America has Jersey Girls
England has Essex Girls

And does Australia have ..... Newcastle girls?

Lately I've been noticing something about Gen Y/Z girls.  Apart from being utterly gorgeous, their hair and teeth seem to have gotten longer & whiter, while their clothes have gotten shorter and tighter. 

Their tans are orange and their behaviour is messy (I too am guilty on both counts here).  You need a step ladder to get into their shoes and a pressure cleaner to get their makeup off. 

Essex Girls

Jersey Girls

So is Newcastle Australia's answer?  God I hope so.  Imagine our reality show? 

Guilty Admission: I actually fit into most of these catergories.  Maybe all.

Where the Frock Are You?

Yes I realise that this should be the title of my blog.  Alcohol poisoning (not literally), general hot mess behaviour (literally) and my real job are to blame.   Be back soon.

In the meantime, here is a copy of the best photo of all time.

Motley Crue - Backstage in Glasgow 2005

Blasphemy

This needs to stop.  My two worlds cannot collide.  Fashion cannot venture into the world of 80's heavy metal.  It simply cannot.

Miley Cyrus

Bitch, puh-lease.  I would wager my entire Iron Maiden vinyl collection that ol' Hannah Montana here couldn't name me one song.   

Demi Lovato

This is the hardest one for me to stomach and I don't think it's a coincidence that she was born the year glam/hair metal died.  But at least she's been to rehab, giving her something in common with the genre. 

Megan Fox

It's common knowledge that Dave Mustaine is a bit of an arse and this could well be his comeuppance - way to lose your metal cred.   Lars Ulrich probably paid her.

Nick Lachey

An all-singing, all-dancing boy-band member in an Acca Dacca shirt.  Bon Scott would be rolling over in his grave.

And these are only a few examples, but they are everywhere - I've also seen Jess Hart in Def Leppard, Mischa Barton in Judas Priest and Zac Efron in Van Halen.  It's the ultimate in blasphemy and it really has to stop, otherwise where do we go from here?

Posh Spice front row at Anthrax? 

Gwyneth dating Lemmy?  

Oprah on Rock of Love?   

I REPEAT.  THIS.HAS.TO.STOP. 

Boy Style

After witnessing husband in one too many ridiculous outfits I took matters into my own hands and stuck pictures of stylish male celebrities inside his wardrobe.  See photos below.

This may sound mean, but when you come home from a girls weekend away and he's been out to breakfast with stylish friends and is wearing a matching parachute material tracksuit (and he didn't jog there), you need to take action.

I once saw him at the pub in a khaki t-shirt and khaki cargo shorts.  It looked like a male version of the playsuit.  I pretended I didn't see him.  And it wasn't because he was camoflauged.

It actually seems to be working.  You're welcome.

Girl Crushes

I looooooove women (in a non-sexual way), they are just so much more fun to look at than men!  I had a bit of trouble narrowing my girl crushes down to 5. 

Upon review it seems I have a 'type'.  I obviously like the curvy girls.  It must be part of my Italian obsession.

Number 5  

Eva Mendes

I once wrote in my NW magazine column that Eva Mendes could make a colostomy bag look sexy, that was when we had to get a silent number...

Number 4  

Christina Hendricks

How hot is Joan on Mad Men?   

Number 3  

Pamela Anderson

I know she left the hot in the 90's but I love me some Pammy.  She gets it.

Number 2

Kim Kardashian

Does she even talk?  Do I even care?  I just want to stare at her.  I could watch Keeping up with the Kardashians with the sound muted.  Those curves and that face are RIDICULOUS.  I do not understand how people can function around this woman. 

Number 1  

Chelsea Handler

My true love.  She's everything I want in a woman.  Hilarious, boozer, irreverent, fun and uninhibited.  She is easily the funniest person on the planet and I have no idea how she gets away with the stuff she says (it's all in the delivery). 

Leopard Print

I need an intervention.

If you see me trying to purchase any more leopard print, please for the love of God, STOP ME.

The Fashion Industry has a Sense of Humour

Every now and then something crops up in the fashion world that proves the industry has a sense of humour.  And Agyness Deyn's style is a good example of this.

But it's normally in the form of a 'trend' that is so ugly that you know they are taking the piss.  A trend so ugly that not even I have a crack, and that is saying something considering I have done socks and heels, high-waisted skinny jeans, odd shoes and leather shorts (not all at once).

This season the award goes to.....

LIGHT SUITING!

Light suiting.  Even the name conjurs up all sorts of wrong.  "So, what happened, was there heavy petting?"    "No, but there was light suiting"

But even more disturbing is the reality.  Yep, I'm talking lightweight pants suits in pastel.  Perfect for summer, right? 

A fashion magazine recently suggested that this would be the perfect wardrobe option to wear to a luncheon.  A luncheon?  Who goes to luncheons?  More importantly, what IS a luncheon?  

Lunch with my friends is normally about who can stay upright the longest and it definately doesn't include pastel slacks.

Celebrity Breakups

I take celebrity breakups hard, so the last 6 months or so have been a bit rough for me.  The following is a round-up of the breakups I took the hardest:

Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend are proof you need to date within your own hotness level, when one person is quite a bit better looking than the other it doesn't bode well for a happy future.  Please play by these rules in future Stu.

Have I mentioned how good-looking my husband is?

Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy.  If I was Jenny McCarthy I would have broken up with Jim Carrey immediately after seeing these photos.
Jenny, call me - you and I and Chelsea Handler need to go out for Vodka related fun.

Nikki Sixx and Kat Von D.  Kat obviously got sick of Nikki obsessing over me.  She's soooo jealous like that.

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds were a surprise, but I'm sure neither of them will have much trouble convincing other people to have sex with them.

 Jesse James and Sandra Bullock.  Cheating on a cool, gorgeous, funny, down to earth Oscar winner with a tattooed skank may have been the demise of the relationship, but it should have been when Sandy first spotted his demin onesie.
 

Apparently Tish cheated on Billy Ray Cyrus with Bret Michaels.  She sure is a girl after my own heart.   No wonder Miley hit the bong.

Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens obviously broke up when he found out she had a vagina.

Things I don't understand about the Fashion Industry #463

When it comes to models there are basically two types: Commercial and High Fashion. 

(Yes, I know there are many subsets such as lingerie, sport, swimwear, balaclava and so on, but for this purpose I'm breaking it down into it's most basic form)

The general consensus on these models from fashion people is:
Commercial or Catalogue = Bad
High fashion = Good

"Commercial" can almost sound like a dirty word when being used to describe a model and can sometimes be the kiss of death to a career, for which I blame Tyra Banks.  This is not unusual as I blame Tyra Banks for many things.  Because she is evil.

This is just one of the many idiotic attributes of the fashion industry. 

Sure, high fashion models have their place - if I wanted to sell a used-spaceship or a new line of astronaut-wear, they'd be perfect.  But if I was trying to present my fashion line in the best possible way, I can't understand why I wouldn't want a well-proportioned, pretty, happy and clean looking girl?

Adding to the above, it is of my judgemental and completely irrational opinion that a commercial model would be pleasant, accommodating and hard-working whereas the high fashion model would turn up late with dirty hair and act like an asshole, while getting paid 5 times as much as the commercial model.

Let's take a look at examples of these two types of models. 

High Fashion Model

Commercial Model



I know who I'd rather look like, you can keep your elevated hourly rate.

The high fashion model is from Marc Jacobs S/S 2011 show who I've never met and is probably the nicest and most professional person in the industry.  The Commercial model was stolen from the latest Target catalogue.  Also, I'm sure Tyra Banks is not evil.  The above rubbish is fiction and has nothing to do with either model, whose pictures have nothing to do with this ridiculous blog.