It's ballet's moment...

Apparently thanks to Natalie Portman's new movie, ballet-style is en-pointe right now (that lame ballet metaphor is so bad it's good).  

Ballet flats have been around for ages, top knots are currently the hottest hairstyle, maxi skirts have a whiff of ballet about them and we've even had a brief affair with leg warmers so it makes sense.

Always one to jump on board a trend, I of course, have a tutu.  Or make that HAD a tutu.

I wore it to a close friend/relative's birthday party on a property in the country which accidentally ended up going for the 3 days.  The tutu was such a hit that a number of people insisted on wearing it over this time, including the 60 year old birthday boy. 

Needless to say it didn't make it out of that party alive.   Which is probably a good thing as I always felt like one of those dancing baby elephants....



Face hidden to protect dignity...



Photo cropped to protect the innocent
Tutu by Sunnygirl
Motley Crue tee from ebay
Shoes from General Pants





The only non-boring Vogue editor resigns

Such a bummer (approved fashion word) that Carine Roitfeld resigned from French Vogue on Friday.

Back to yawning through the boring offerings from Kirstie Clements and Anna Wintour.  Not that I could actually read the French one, but it was pretty to look at - fun and sexy, especially in comparison to the minimalist Australia and American versions.


Can you imagine Anna Wintour wearing this?

Boo.

Merry Christmas from the Kardashians

It's no secret that I love me some Kardashians.

But was there any need for this? 

All it makes me want to do is punch my family for not being as good looking as these people.

Reason #241 Why I love America

All the important landmarks are within a few blocks of each other.  See below:

Getting the respect they deserve.  Now excuse me while I travel back to the present. 

I'm back. 

I kept the big hair and leopard print.

Freshwater Blue

This is one hell of a hot mess. 

http://www.mtv.com.au/shows/freshwater-blue#showSummary

It's being billed as Australia's answer to the Hills, but last time I checked the Hills did not involve 12 bogans drinking Raspberry Cruisers and being fully 'hectic'.  Their word, not mine.   

Hey, don't get me wrong - I love a reality monstrosity and the Jersey Shore, RuPaul's Drag Race and the Kardashians are all series linked on my Foxtel IQ, so I'm not coming from a moral high ground. 

I sat through the first 2 episodes back to back with my hands over my face.  I kept waiting for Kath or Kim or even Con the Fruiterer to jump out of the bushes and give it up - surely it's a piss-take?

Let's hear from the Creator: "...it's real life decisions with alcohol and bikinis".   Poignant. 

I never thought of the Hills as intelligent, but next to this it looks like Lateline.

High End vs High Street: Printed Maxi & Wedge Combo

Cooper St Avatar Maxi $199

Matthew Williamson Printed Maxi $1505

Alaia Wedge $1510

 

  Hadley Diavolina Wedge $139.95



                                                                                        

Dear Santa....

Please stop saying I am hard to buy for.  It's ridiculous and untrue.  

 

When you are 22,
a month's salary isn't that much.
Upgrade please.



Burberry Trench

   


Please have an elf click here to purchase

     

I promise to sip..

 





 

 

   

 

    

  

   

Man-style watch

      

Remember these Santa? Had you have
let me buy them in Germany like I
wanted, we wouldn't be in this mess



Also, anything that includes a plane, a hotel room, a duck-egg blue box with a white ribbon or begins with P and ends with RADA would also be suitable.

The Punch in the Face List

So my friends and I have this thing called the "Punch in the Face List" which is basically a list of famous people that you wouldn't mind socking in the gob, based on their public persona. 

Truth be told, if we were confronted with any of these people we'd all probably ask for a photo and autograph and tell them we are a huge fan. 

Without further ado, may I present my top 5:

#5 Taylor Momson: Oooh yes, you are so rock n roll and hardcore.  Moron.

#4 Gwyneth Paltrow.  Smug, snobby & self-important.  And, Apple?  Really?

#3 Scott Disick.  Not only is he an entitled brat, he's an entitled brat that doesn't appreciate a Kardashian!

#2 Elle MacPherson.  While it pains me to put an Aussie on the list, that wanker accent really kills me



#1 Spencer Pratt.  No explanation necessary

* Hypothetical only, we wouldn't REALLY punch them

High-End vs. High-Street: Studded accessories

Christian Louboutin Spiked Flats $842

Sambag India Flats $160

  

 

Thomas Wylde Clutch $2380



 

  

Martini + Coz Clutch $154



Melbourne Cup

Of course everyone knows that the Melbourne Cup has nothing at all to do with horses and planning your outfit is one of the highlights of the fashion year.  This year I went 'high-end' mixed with 'practically found on the side of the road'.

My dress is Prada and therefore almost ended my marriage, so I had to do some creative accessorising.  My jacket was $29 from Target, the turban was $11 from a wig shop and my gloves were part of a $5 magician dress up kit from Go-Lo.  God Bless Halloween.

An outfit like this is worthy of a glamourous venue right?  The Birdcage?  The Ivy?  The Supper Club?

I actually spent the day at our local bowling club and it was FANTASTIC.  No one cut off my drinks, mocked my dancefloor air guitar, charged me more than $4 for a drink or gave a shit when I had take my shoes off.

Stella Behaviour

I like a designer collaboration as much as the next person.  The stuff is normally wearable, the prices are great and even the patronising way the millionaire designers 'give back' by allowing us normal people a chance to get onboard is sort of endearing.  A bit like the whole J-Lo/Jenny from the Block phase.

Stella McCartney's latest collection for Target is OK, but it's no Matthew Williamson for H&M, which was the benchmark and will be near impossible to top.  Stella's latest collection is extremely structured with strong lines and neutral colours.   Boring, but wearable.

But hey, that didn't stop me from lining up with all the other seemingly normal people at my local Target.  All of us just milling around waiting for a large budget retailer to open.  Just another normal day, right?

Nope.

The doors opened and mayhem ensued.  Bags were thrown, prams were over-turned, babies were crying and shop assistants looked fearful.  And rightfully so.

All I can say is that Stella would not condone that behaviour.  She's a vegetarian for God's sake.  She's friends with Gwyneth and we all know that Gwyneth is a moral beacon.

Disgraceful.  Or maybe I'm just annoyed that her bangle wouldn't fit over my man-hand.   

Are these the faces of the sane?  No, I do not think so.

Best. Couple. Ever.

I haven't been this excited about a celebrity hookup since Tommy and Pam.   The only thing that could improve on this pop-culture phenomenon is if they were to double-date with Christina Hendricks and George Clooney.

Or me and Nikki Sixx. 

 I give it a week.

Wedding Style

I've been married 8 years today, which has got me thinking about how much my style has changed in that time and how differently I would do things today.  

I would choose a different dress (not quite perky enough to carry it off anymore), veil (too poufy), shoes (too blingy), venue (too RSLy), makeup (too drag queeny), hair (too school formaly). 

Actually the more I think about it, the more I realise that the only thing I'd keep the same is the groom!



Dress by Catherine Colubriale Couture



HAPPY ANNIVERSARY PETE!

Colonel Sanders: Hollywood Fashion Icon

This I can handle, but when yellow pants and oversized red shoes start appearing on the red carpet, I'm outta here.

Vintage Shopping: Dream Vs Reality

I love the idea of Vintage shopping.... I always imagine picking up a quaint 1940s sundress for next to nothing.  Finding an authentic Chanel quilted bag that some poor sap didn't realise they were donating.  Shelves lined with cameo brooches, parasols and Fendi scarves.  Burberry trench coats mingling with Halston gowns.

This dream takes place in a setting that looks very similar to this: 

 

Sometimes this dream gets too much for me and I take off running to my local op shops with adrenalin pumping through my veins, only to have my dream trampled on by stained sloppy joes, stretched t-shirts and shapeless house dresses with a strange odour.

All taking place in a setting that looks more like this:

 Am I missing something? 

Reason #11 Why I love America

Why yes that IS a labrador with a helmet and goggles on the back of a Harley Davidson.  Why do you ask?

Like... Literally, right?

A drinking game we like to play in our house goes like this:

Watch an episode of one of the many superficial, empty, vacuous and utterly fabulous Foxtel reality shows and have a shot every time someone misuses the word literally.

I was so drunk after watching the Rachel Zoe Project I wore my shoes to bed.  Literally.

"I literally want to cut myself in half" SHOT 
"I will literally die if she sees me like this" SHOT
"That dress is literally bananas" SHOT

Actually that last one could have been true.

Let's head to our leaderboard to see which reality stars are contributing to my liver failure.

Kardashian, Kim - 7
Kardashian, Kourtney - 7
Kardashian, Khloe - 2 (to be fair, she's the plain one and doesn't get as much airtime)
Jenner, Kris - 5
Zoe, Rachel - 9
Madison, Holly - 6
Montag, Heidi - 4
Patridge, Audrina - 3

Special mention to Kris Jenner who actually used it correctly once, probably by accident.

Guide to Disguising Man-Hands

There is nothing wrong with my hands per se,  it's just that they are well... large.  Huge.  Thick.  Man-like.  If I were a male pro-wrestler in his 40's no one would bat an eyelid. 

They have their advantages - I'm an ace jar opener, a sought after high-fiver and lesbians seem to like me.  But mostly I try and hide them and as such have become a bit of an expert at it.

Top 3 Tips to Disguise Man-Hands

1. Nude nail polish 
I figure if nude shoes elongate the leg, surely nude nails would do the same to my sausage fingers?  I like OPI in Polar Bare.  (See what OPI did there?  Clever.)

2. Gloves. 

So what if you have to organise your whole outfit around them.  It can be fun to dress as a murderess or a magician.

Corset by Dotti
Pencil skirt by Wendy Hawthorne
Gloves from Target

3. Hold large objects. 

Offer to help carry furniture, use massive handbags, wear oversized rings and drink schooners or pints.  The bigger the things near your hands, the smaller your hands will appear.



Ring by Lovisa



          

        Dress by Pink Stitch
              Overpriced beer on Las Ramblas, Barcelona

 

Reason #119 why I love America