It's Over

Whilst there is no denying that this a cute photo of a baby mowing the lawn, it is not the reason I'm sharing it.

Look closely.

Yes my husband is wearing crocs. 

I have spoken in the past about his lack of respect for my optics. See here.  But this one is less about fashion, and more about what it represents.

He should just get some some long, loose denim shorts and start listening to AM radio.  

*Husband finds me amusing, and I am nice to him in real life, I promise.  

Proof is in the bacon

So a good (male) friend of mine says I remind him of Miss Piggy.

I was about to be outraged and then this happened.....

 It's scary how many examples I didn't include here.

Oh well.  Oink.

I am obvs JHawk doppleganger

Tonight, my baby pointed at a picture of Jennifer Hawkins in the newspaper and said 'mumma'. What an intelligent and astute child I hear you say.

Actual photo pointed to. (Now saved in a clear plastic sleeve pending fingerprinting baby as proof)

Then, my very own mumma, who babysits him, informs me he chased after a morbidly obese blonde woman in the park screaming the very same phrase. 

So I guess he was pointing to the man.

Who is Heidi Klum's Stylist??

Brandi Glanville?
Snooki?
Tara Reid?
Stevie Wonder?

The rules of Project Runway need to change so that you are eliminated if Heidi likes it. 

She's hot though.

Breaking: Nicola Finetti Frocks not Stubby Proof

I'm not sure what sort of quality testing Nicola does on his garments but I can tell you this - you aren't able to open your beer bottles on the hem all day.

I'm sure this is not news to him and he's heard it many times and is working on a solution.

(Please don't sue me Mr Finetti, this tongue in cheek ridiculous blog is a very big fan of yours)

Post Baby - The Truth

Let me give it to you straight.

You get ugly. 

Seriously!  I have permanent bug eyes from lack of sleep and a ton more wrinkles from frowning whilst trying to work out what the tiny human is trying to tell me.

You get fat. 

But not how you think.  I was back to normal in 4 weeks.  HOWEVER, I then sat on the lounge for the following 4 months and ate 2 minute noodles and watched reality TV.  (Heaven).

You get mean. 

I dead-armed a 10 year old kid on a scooter and yelled "WATCH IT YOU F*CKING DEADSHIT" because he got too close to the baby.  (So you also get bogan, or bogan-er)

You get wild.  

I already had a headstart on this one, but when organisation for a night out rivals that of a international music festival, you better believe that you are going to make that shit count. 

Actual bruise my mate got on our last night out

You get drunk(er)

My first drink of the day kept creeping forward and when it got to midday I knew it was time to go back to work.


You cease giving a shit about house stuff.

Why yes, that is vomit on the Missoni throw rug.
Don't you think garbage bins look better on the kitchen bench!
Please sit down, um, let me just move the, um, um, um.  Let's stand!


Please don't take this ridiculous blog seriously.  Please no mothers group hate-mail!